from kissing to sex to guilt to repentance

Abstinence Until Marriage fb page shared
Dear Administrators,
I’m so thankful that this site exists!! Lately, I’ve felt led to tell my testimony, so here it is:

In 2010, at the age of 18, I started dating a man who was one of my best friends and we attend the same church. I could trust him, right? He is 9 years older than me and I had liked him for a very long time.

Anyway, everything started out great! I went on my first date with him and it was wonderful. We went out almost every evening. Then he started pressuring me to kiss him. See, I told him I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day, as a special gift to my husband. He said that it was sweet and everything but then he said, “I won’t kiss you-UNLESS you want me to.” So I began to think that I was in control… (I should also say that he had a past of sexual promiscuity that I believed was completely in the PAST)

Long story short, I gave in and kissed him. And it didn’t stop from there. Eventually, he began pressuring me to make out with him and slowly I gave in. Understand that I was completely naive and had NEVER experienced any of those feelings. So…we made out almost every night we were out together.

I NEVER ever ever considered having sex with him, even though I knew he wanted it. He was the first man to call me beautiful and I was addicted to his words…which is why I gave in to making out.
After that, everything changed. We no longer talked or laughed together (which is why I liked him to begin with) all we did was make out. And…he changed. Suddenly, I was no longer beautiful…he told me, “You’d be hot IF you lost weight.” So I began hating myself…because I had given SO MUCH and it wasn’t enough. IIII wasn’t enough.

So one night I told him, “I’m tired of being your toy.” He was shocked and I completely broke everything off. I quit going to church for two reasons: I was ashamed before God I couldn’t stand seeing him worshiping God on Sunday after sinning on Saturday.

I felt sick all the time and he still kept contacting me, wanting “…” .
From there…I missed those sexual feelings…so I started looking at pornography and reading sexy stories online. Then……..I discovered masturbation. It’s so very hard to write this.
I completely hated myself after I started that. I used to be such a good church girl and now I was a whore and a fake. I would try to stop, but I would just go right back to it. Then I started looking at lesbian pornography and that’s when I KNEW I was doomed and that I was going to Hell.

This went on until about March of this year. I was maturing and God kept giving me chance after chance to start over.
I let go of the sin. But I still believed that I was unworthy of a good man. I didn’t want to make him dirty and I was terrified that I would want that stuff again and suck him into it. And I knew that I would NEVER want to do that to anyone, especially a good man.
Then God sent a man. A wonderful man…oh I can’t even describe how amazing he is!

He pursued me…but I kept pushing him away because I thought, “If you knew the real me, you’d leave.” And I was so scared to open my heart. I liked those safe walls. So I told him. And…would you believe…he DIDN’T leave me!!!! I told him I was still slipping into sin and he told me, ” God has brought us together; I won’t abandon you now.”

I’m incredibly blessed…we have the same beliefs and the same goals and dreams. He treats me with respect and would NEVER treat me the Way I was treated before. I’m amazed that God truly sees me with eyes of Grace. HE sees me as whole and pure, even when I don’t. He loved me enough to keep my boyfriend for me. He’s never kissed OR had a girlfriend! To think God sees me as good enough for him!

I’m not saying my life is perfect now or that I’m not tempted anymore. I get tempted a LOT. Just today I was weak enough to almost give in. But now…now I just tell my boyfriend and he doesn’t get disgusted or run away…he PRAYS for me…I know 100% that this is the One. Not one red flag!

Don’t get discouraged! God loves you!! Don’t believe the lies of Satan. You ARE worthy. You ARE good enough!!! He DIED for everything you have done, everything you are doing, and everything you’re going to do. He will give you beauty for your ashes!!! Turn to Him…don’t run away!!!
Love,
Your Sister in Christ,
Tiana

P.S
I need to say that I wasn’t free until I FORGAVE my ex…and until I was HONEST with my parents about EVERYTHING. Tell someone! Don’t try to do it alone. Stand STRONG. If the Son sets you free, YOU ARE FREE! Nothing will change that!

About cknaija

cknaija@twitter.com
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One Response to from kissing to sex to guilt to repentance

  1. tessadoghor says:

    It is great that you have your boyfriend and your family’s support
    and the support of the Holy Spirit. God gives beauty for ashes.
    xoxo

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